Charlie Sheen has entered all of our lives in one way or another. Whether it be through the introduction of #tigerblood, or through the discovery of bi-winning, we’ve all felt the effect somewhat!

Only recently I happened to be browsing my favourite online video website… YouTube, and stumbled across this little gem.

Win here, Win there – Win Everywhere!!

I must apologise for the lack of contact. You see, I’ve been having a bit of an issue with my face just of late. It seems to be falling off in places!! As you can imagine, this caused me quite a scare! For many months I have been baffling medical experts with my falling apart face, it seemed none of them could come up with a reasonable explanation for my problem.

It got so bad, that at one point, my face just consisted of an eyelid! Thank goodness Jeremy was about to be my eyes and ears though… mine were of no use!! I think I was virtually on deaths door… afterall, what function does one have without a face?

One afternoon, Jeremy was channel hopping – as he usually does, and he came across the below video…. it seems like the angels were smiling down on me! It seemed that somehow, I had ingested some ‘Charlie Sheen’! At once Jeremy rushed me to the hospital and we (mostly Jeremy, my face was in a mushed up mess that I carried around in a carrier bag) cried out in excitement that we had found out the cause of my melting face problem!!

Thankfully, the doctors were able to save my face via a blood transfusion. Apparently Tiger Blood is a usual substitue for normal blood??

All I can say is how grateful I am that I didn’t die! I would hate to see my children cry over my exploding body! Hopefully now, ‘Charlie Sheen’ will come with an attached health warning.

Put simply, Windows Vista has been a major issue in my life for the past 6 months. Can it be only me that finds it slow, mostly unresponsive and generally very poor? Well, apparently not! You see, after some Google’ing, I happened to find that Vista problems go as far back as the 1940′s!

I would imagine at the time, this was quite good marketing for Microsoft… I can view the headlines now…

New version of Microsoft windows pisses off the Fuhrer!

To save my sanity, I believe it’s time to upgrade to Windows 7… Though, always worthwhile checking to see what the online reviews say about it before diving in!

Enough said!

• Volvo – Because I’m just not that old.
• Saab – Same as above, and I’m also not a homosexual.
• Rover – Apparently only bland people own these.
• Vauxhall – Though I miss my youth, I was never a 17 year old chav pretending my Corsa was a Ferrari by attaching a whopping great exhaust!

This left me with only a small selection. Audi, BMW and Volkswagen. After browsing the ranges, I found that I didn’t dislike any of them. This called for something drastic… I needed to consult Jeremy!

Jeremy hasn’t had a good history with cars. Very recently he wrote his Saab (He continually swears that he is heterosexual) off when someone drove into the side of it. Apparently they hated gays too… but Jeremy thinks that they just didn’t look where they were going. Whatever the case, I value his opinion.

He suggested the VW Passat because of the supposedly great fuel efficiency. Apparently a tank can give you up to 1,000 miles range! This was indeed an interesting snippet of information. He then backed up his suggestion by telling me that should I ever wish to go dogging, there would be plenty of room in the back if you put the seats down.

This immediately changed my mind. Is the VW Passat just a car people have to go dogging? You should be wary if you find yourself stationary in traffic and the car behind you is a Passat driven by a middle aged man… you should also be very wary if you are in a public carpark after dark and the middle aged man flashes you (with the car headlights) and then points to the back seats.

No. After this thought, I decided to stick with my original car. I prefer looking like an 80′s pimp than anything listed above… especially not a desperate dogger!

And so… bring forth the email to Mars customer services:

Hi everyone at mars!!!

Wasn’t it a great Christmas this year? I hope you all got nice things up at Mars HQ! Mine was great too – apart from there was something missing… a ripple!

I was lucky enough to receive a seven piece ‘Galaxy Collection’ box from my good friend Bill but upon opening there was simply no ripple. After discovering the missing confectionery, I went back to the packaging to check for signs of tampering  (as Bill is often a bit of a joker, and he doesn’t know when to draw the line) but alas, I found nothing.

I then interrogated Bill further but he seemed adamant that he hadn’t removed it. Now, I’m not saying that lying is above him after some of the things he’s done… especially after the time he told his 92 year old uncle jimmy that the local swimming pool had relaxed their regulations on swimwear, and you could now swim in the nude. But I honestly think it was missing from the start

As soon as I realised I was unlikely to get this back from Bill (as he says he doesn’t have it) I cried… but then I decided to Google to see whether other people have experienced the same lack of chocolate - and they have! With that in mind I’m taking the same course of action as Tempura Frogskittle and emailing you about it…

I just hope that you might be able to do something to make this pain go away…

Thanks

Jeremy (aged 25)

I do hope they can help – after all I quite like ripples; and I hope that for Tempura’s sake this will help substantiate his case.

Jeremy

I love the interweb, it really is a fascinating place to hang around. I’ve spent many hours in the past ‘surfing’, not looking for anything in particular, but finding lots of wonderful homes of online people… including that of a man that liked to knit his own clothes out of his leftover cat hair. Truly fascinating!

I digress. I wanted to check that Jeremy had posted! Poor fellow, he has such a busy schedule… mistakes have happened in the past! I recall the time I received a panicked telephone call from a toilet cubicle in a swanky hotel somewhere. Jeremy was at a Jewish convention and had been asked to give a talk. Turns out, he unfortunately experienced a slight mix up in dates – and thought he was at the Industrial Oven Cleaning event. Well, as you can imagine, the speech didn’t go down too well and he was chased by an upset Jewish rabble (not Rabbi) but was able to find refuge in a toilet cubicle… and that’s where I began!

Glad to see he posted. Much more to come from us soon. Afterall, we both lead exciting lives!

Then I guess the next problem is content… and advice we’ve been given “Don’t fuck this up”. You see it turns out that if we fuck this up; nobody will read this, and this blog will die again.

You know I read back a few of the blog posts from when the other guys were writing this blog like “myspace weirdos” – and it turns out there’s plenty of weird stuff out there to look at for enjoyment… and we’re going to help you find it…